Janus
by LuxaLovesLawnmowers
Summary: Naruto knows he's selfish. It's not his only reason he's with Ibiki, but the knowledge that someone has it worse than him helps him get through the day.


Disclaimer- I don't own Naruto.

This is an IbiNaru I wrote basically because the other one I wrote was the worst piece a crap I'd ever written in my life. It was...so bad I can't even put in into words. However, I couldn't delete it until I had another one written, because it was part of a 16-part challenge, so I wrote another one that I actually _like_. I hope you like it too! Just warning you, there are mentions of torture and rape.

Enjoy! :)

* * *

Naruto was selfish. He knew it. There was more than one reason he was with Ibiki- he would never pretend to love someone, because that wasn't in his blood, but he had to admit that deep inside he had an ulterior motive.

Naruto had not led a charmed life. Everyone knew this, hell, everyone had _caused_ this. He had spent the first twelve years of his life being bullied by children and adults alike, and despite the best efforts of the Third Hokage, sometimes denied his basic rights and necessities. Being on the receiving end of that kind of hatred was invariably the cause of deep emotional trauma. Naruto had been able to hide that behind a big smile most of his life, but that didn't stop the pain from being there. It was in every step, every breath. There were still nights he couldn't get to sleep because of the fear of being ignored, of being worthless. It defined the way he lived and acted. He could never forget it. Abuse was like that.

Ibiki was different. Ibiki was even worse off than he was, and Naruto knew that a tiny part of the reason that he loved Ibiki was because Ibiki had even more problems than he did. Ibiki, being Ibiki, probably knew this. He knew everything about people.

Ibiki hid it well at work, but you could see his pain in his dark eyes. Everything about him revealed that he was a man who'd suffered an incredible loss, and although he'd recovered he would never be the same. You could see that he was a tired man just by the way he held himself. Proud, of course, because that was the way Ibiki had always been, but tired. And ruthless. Naruto could never forget that Ibiki was a ruthless man.

Naruto was glad he was a deep sleeper, because Ibiki woke up every night from nightmares Naruto didn't even want to think about. Once and a while Naruto did wake, and he would stay up with his boyfriend, talking about insignificant things until the sun rose. Sometimes Ibiki woke him up, because Ibiki was the best psychiatrist the ninja world had ever seen, and he knew himself well enough to know when he needed comforting. And Naruto always did his best, although in the back of his mind a traitorous part of him was happy it wasn't him.

There were nights when the terror was what woke Naruto up, the pure unadulterated terror of a grown man's greatest fear. It was then that Naruto cared the most, because his heart bled for Ibiki, a man who had given up everything for his village.

When they had first gotten together Naruto had teased Ibiki, suggesting that he should get to top. Naruto knew he could be stupid, but he had never thought he was callous until then. He saw Ibiki stiffen, saw the tenderness in his eyes turn to a mixture of fear and pain, and regretted it instantly. He later learned that Ibiki couldn't bring himself to be submissive. It reminded him of days in a dark room, chained to a wall and losing the last thing he had to give, because the ninja world was cruel and heartless and only given him a measly little pension for losing his innocence like that. Naruto never had a doubt that Ibiki had it worse than him after that, and there was no reserved part of him in this respect. Here, Ibiki had his entire love, because Ibiki was a man who'd been through enough to deserve it. Naruto was by no means a selfless person, but he loved Ibiki, despite any feelings of ill-gotten relief he had.

He once asked Ibiki why he loved him, and Ibiki scrutinized him for a moment before listing the obvious reasons. Naruto asked him again, and Ibiki's eyes crinkled and his scars stretched the way they always did before he smiled.

"I guess...one of the reasons is because you're so much worse off than me."

Naruto still didn't know if he was joking or not.

* * *

What did you think? Reviews are love! :)


End file.
